the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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