I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
