2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
