I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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