I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
