hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
