I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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