ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
