I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
