I'm eating all of the evidence.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
