There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
