she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
