You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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