Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
