When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
this is an emotional support booty call
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
