I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
