i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
bring money and cleavage
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
