RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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