just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
