I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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