I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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