I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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