i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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