Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
