TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
