i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
