sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
