Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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