I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Actions speak louder than pants.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize