tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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