I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
