her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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