im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
