It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
