and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
