im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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