Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
