i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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