The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
