I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
