so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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