So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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