the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
