I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just had sex on a roof
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
