Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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