I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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