You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize