Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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