You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize