ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think my moral compass just broke
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