bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
