he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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