Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
