He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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