here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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