4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
