On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
