Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
