I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
