Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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