I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Are we still banned from the library?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize