chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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