Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
